Chapter 62 - What Came Through the Door
I brought the letter home in my briefcase.
I brought my anger home without anything to contain it.
The kitchen drawer stuck while I was putting away my keys.
I pulled harder than necessary.
Cutlery struck wood.
Upstairs, a door closed.
Lena looked toward the ceiling.
Then at me.
“Try that again.”
I stared at her.
“The drawer?”
“Coming home.”
The words annoyed me because I understood them immediately.
I shut the drawer carefully.
Then I went outside.
For several minutes, I stood on the porch with my hands in my pockets.
I was not angry with my family.
That distinction would mean very little if they spent the evening measuring the sound of my footsteps.
When I returned, Lena was alone in the kitchen.
“I’m sorry.”
She nodded.
“What happened?”
I gave her the letter.
She read every paragraph.
“Do you think the review is needed?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Do you think you should direct it?”
“No.”
“Then what hurts?”
I looked at the table.
“That people may look at everything I’ve done since and decide none of it counts.”
Lena set down the pages.
“The good things happened. So did the others.”
“I know.”
“I think you know it when you’re explaining it to somebody else.”
I laughed once, without humor.
She moved closer.
“I’m not asking you to feel noble about this.”
“Good.”
“I am asking you to let us have a home while you feel whatever you feel.”
I nodded.
After dinner, I told the children that I would be working differently for a while.
Nico asked whether I had been fired.
“Not exactly. Other people will make some decisions while questions are being reviewed.”
Noah watched me carefully.
“Did you shout?”
“Today?”
He nodded.
“Not at the meeting. I was angry when I came home.”
“We heard.”
I looked at him.
“I know. That was my responsibility.”
Isabel asked whether we would have to move again.
“No,” I said. “That isn’t what this means.”
She returned to her drawing.
The boys stayed.
Finally, Nico asked, “Can you still come to my school thing?”
I checked the calendar before answering.
“Yes.”
He nodded.
That night, after everyone went upstairs, I opened the briefcase.
There were documents to review.
Questions to answer.
A future I could not organize into certainty.
May you like
Beside them lay a school notice.
I signed it, put it in Nico’s bag, and left the business papers on the desk.
